30 Second Review: Day of the Dead Remake (2008)
After reviewing the horrible Day of the Dead 2: Contagium I just felt compelled to review the 2008 remake of Day of the Dead. Let me know if I wasn’t perfectly clear about how I felt about this shit-fest!!
This is it. This is the one that almost broke me. What the fuck were these film makers thinking? Who thought this was a good idea? This is such a shitty movie I’m surprised this isn’t a “Michael Bay Presents …” flick. For starters there are 13, yes 13 producers here. And one of the producers is Boaz Davidson. Why am I singling him out, you ask? Because Mr. Davidson is singlehandedly responsible for writing at least 12 shitty movies that have aired on the SyFy Channel (his only redeeming writing credit is 1982’s teen-sex comedy The Last American Virgin). I use Boaz Davidson as but one example of the level of talent associated with this shit-fest of a flick.
The basic story here is that an influenza-like virus spreads throughout a Colorado town. Captain Rhodes, played
by Ving Rhames (shame on you) is sent in to quarantine the town. No one can leave or enter the town. Colonel Sarah Bowman, played by Mena Suvari (shame on you) is there to assist in the quarantine and grew up in the doomed town. Once there she grabs Private Bud Crane (yes; THAT Bud) and goes AWOL in order to visit her home only to find that mommy is ill. She takes sick old ma to the hospital where a bunch of retarded things happen. It doesn’t matter; you won’t care. This flick is full of bad dialogue, crappy CGI f/x, and the humor is completely misplaced and will have you rolling your eyes so hard you’ll see inside the back of your skull. God I hate this movie; I really fucking hate it.
A big shame on you goes out to Steve Miner. How could you do this to what is a classic zombie flick? I mean seriously!! Did you have a house payment to make? Considering you had one of the better Friday the 13th sequels (part 2) I expected waaaay more. This isn’t even a remake folks. I guarantee the studio had this shitty zombie script lying around that was so horrible they couldn’t do anything with it. Suddenly Zach Synder’s 2004 Dawn of the Dead remake makes some cash so they retool that “un-makeable” script, rename some of the characters after characters from Romero’s flick, and then call it a Day of the Dead remake. What they actually made has nothing, and I mean nothing, to do with the original Day. The characters are similar in name only. Dr. Logan in the original Day was one of the best characters in modern zombie movies. Here he’s a douche bag, whiney, self-centered asshole with dialogue like this: “Great; a driver without keys and a soldier without bullets. It must be my fucking birthday.” AAHHH I need to break something!!
The brilliant zombie Bub in the original is reduced here to a comical zombie sidekick character who actually helps the human
characters. Just thinking about this fucking movie is making my blood boil. And Bub in the remake (who is renamed “Bud”) doesn’t eat people because, get this, he was a VEGETARIAN before he became a zombie. Are you fucking kidding me!!?! I’m gonna go slap around my wife I’m so disgusted (joking people). Just look at this dialogue:
Salazar: This shit is ridiculous. I mean why [isn’t Bud] over here trying to eat us?
Sarah: He’s a vegetarian.
Salazar: That’s the best explanation you can come up with?
Sarah: You got a better one?
Really? Are they just making up the dialogue as they go along? If I had any hair I’d pull it out just thinking about this movie.
And then there’s the awesome element (please note my sarcasm) the film makers added of zombies crawling on the walls and ceilings. Let me repeat that; there are fucking zombies that CRAWL ON THE WALLS AND CEILINGS here. WTF; are you serious? Are they Spider-Man zombies? Who thought that was a good idea? Everyone involved in this turd (yes I’m talking to you Mena Suvari, Ving Rhames, and Steve Miner) should never be allowed to make another movie. Hell, rip up their Blockbuster rental cards too. I hated every second of this film. THIS is the film we should use in court to get studios to STOP with the remakes. I really can’t express how much I hate this movie! I really really hate this fucking movie.
Director: Steve Miner
Plot: .5 out of 5 stars
Gore: 1.5 out of 10 skulls
Zombie Mayhem: 1 out of 5 brains (there’s a lot of zombies in the movie, but they CRAWL ON THE WALLS AND CEILING. Fuck you!!).
Reviewed by Scott Shoyer