Upcoming Film Round Up: I Spit on Your Grave Remake Trailer & Hatchet 2 Update

You can feel the air getting electrified.  I have updates of two flicks that I’m really excited about; I’ve been following the progress of these films for a while now!!  Let’s get to it:


This year’s Creation Weekend of Horrors in Los Angeles revealed more details about the I Spit on Your Grave remake.  I was unable to attend this year’s Creation Weekend, but last month I was lucky enough to go to the Texas Frightmare Weekend.  There I sat in on a panel discussion of this remake (which also unveiled a few clips and the trailer) and was really impressed with how the film was coming along.  Director Steven Monroe was really pushing the envelop with the remake and wasn’t “pussing out” when it came time for the rape scene and violence.  The cast was also on hand to talk about how emotionally and physically demanding the shoot was.

I’m looking forward to this one and feel the original was a perfect candidate for a remake.  Even though the original had some very disturbing material, the movie itself was pretty poorly executed from a technical level.  Enough of my ranting.  Here’s the trailer:


Also at the Creation Weekend in Los Angeles was a panel with Adam Green and the Hatchet 2 army.  Dreadcentral.com covered the convention and reported that the lucky attendees got to ask the panel questions, and the entire place erupted when Green pulled out 2 clips from the movie.  The first clip:

featured two hunters shooting at Victor Crowley when suddenly the veritable freight train of violence appears with a ten-foot redwood chainsaw. From there Crowley swings underneath both hunters, who were standing one in front of the other, catching the duo square in the nuts with the saw, lifting them both off of the ground, and sawing them all the way up through the tops of their heads until their body halves go flying to the ground. Two words, folks … holy shit.

Yeah; holy shit is right!!  The second clip:

featured a knock-down, drag-out brawl between Hatchet II‘s two behemoths, R.A. and Kane, who were having a wall-shaking fight that ends with a curb stomp performed on a table that left the literally roaring audience blinking in disbelief.

Best thing yet is, as Green tells us, there was no CGI involved.  All the f/x are practical!!!  The more I read about Adam Green the more I love him!!  As soon as I hear about a release date I’ll pass it along.

Stay Bloody!!!

Breaking News to Make You Throw Up: Martyrs Remake on the Way

I’m sorry everyone; I really am!!  I hate to be the guy to tell you this news, but the BEST HORROR FILM of the last decade (or more), Pascal Laugier’s Martyrs, is being remade for an American audience.  I guess us Americans are too dumb to “get” or appreciate Laugier’s brilliant and disturbing film about a girl hunting down the people who kidnapped and tortured her when she was younger.  Oh but wait; this isn’t a “revenge” flick; oh no.  This is a deeply disturbing flick that will get you on so many levels.  It also has a very haunting atmosphere that I’m willing to bet the American remake with totally fuck up.

So who’s penning this remake?  Mark L. Smith has been put in charge of this.  You may know him from the by-the-numbers flick Vacancy (2007), the tiresome and unnecessary Vacancy 2: The First Cut (2008), and the “Meh”-inducing Joe Dante flick The Hole (2009).  Is this the best they could come up with the write the remake.  Ya know what, fuck Smith … the bottom line is Martyrs should not be remade now or ever.  Laugier made a modern masterpiece that is going to get fucked over more than any other remake out there.  Remaking Martyrs is the straw that broke my back.  Yeah I know Hollywood is completely incapable of making something even close to Martyrs; but how about trying instead of just taking the original and fucking it up?

You REALLY don't wanna know what happens to her next!!

And if this is nauseating enough, cinematical.com reported earlier today that Wyck Godfrey will be producing the remake.  What’s that; you don’t know who Wyck Godfrey is?  Oh yes you do.  He’s responsible for giving us such disappointing films as I, Robot (2004), Alien vs. Predator (2004), and the When a Stranger Calls remake (2006).  Still doesn’t sound familiar?  Well maybe you know him producing the Twilight Saga!!!  One of the goddamn fucktards responsible for unleashing the horrible Twilight films on us is now gonna produce the Martyrs remake??  Fuck me!! What the hell does this man know about horror films?  We all saw how the U.S. remake of [rec] turned out; do we really have to do that to Martyrs??

I feel sick.  I’m gonna go get some Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and go curl up on the couch and watch the original Dawn of the Dead.  If anyone out there wants to hold me I could really go for that.

Stay Bloody!!!

SyFy Corner: Spring Break Shark Attack (2005)

SyFy … dudes … what the hell happened??  Sure the movies you make and air are always a mixed bag and a gamble, but you guys usually nail the killer/giant shark flicks (at least in a “so bad it’s good” way).  When I read the title, Spring Break Shark Attack, I got really excited.  “Self,” I asked, “could it be possible that the SyFy Channel (still the Sci-Fi Channel when this aired) is going to combine my love of killer sharks attacking swimmers and generally turning the waters red with my love of the ‘Spring Break’ movie?  Are we gonna get half naked, hot girls getting chewed up both in the bars and in the ocean?”  Was I looking forward to this one?  You bet your barnacles I was!!  So I’ll ask again; what the fuck happened?

Let me start with the one and only shining moment of this film which, unfortunately, occurs during the pre-credit opening.  As the movie begins we join four older, very busty and plasticy (is that a word??) cougar-housewives floating on a raft drinking, gossiping, and generally being annoying as they cluck away.  Then without notice they are attacked by a couple of tiger sharks.  What’s funny here is that the women all resemble the beef jerky actresses that we’re supposed to find hot on ABC’s Desperate Housewives.  I had no idea sharks ate silicone and thrived on Botox!!  Then after the opening credits we see a guy with a newspaper on the beach and the headline reads, “Desperate Search for Four Housewives Continues.”  I admit that made me smile and fooled me into believing the rest of Spring Break Shark Attack was gonna be just as clever.  I was wrong.  Boy was I waaaaay wrong.

This pic is WAY more exciting than anything that actually happens in this turb!!

This one is obviously a “quickie” pumped out by a studio to cash in on the killer shark and spring break genre movies.  If I had to guess I’d say that from the time they sat down to “write” the script to the time they wrapped up filming about 5 days had passed by.  Maybe.  There’s really nothing going on here that you’ll care about.  An island whose tourism was slipping decides to build a man-made reef in order to attract undersea wild life and new tourist dollars.  But it also attracts a bunch of hungry tiger sharks, due in part to Bryan Brown (in a really lame ass sub-plot that served only to pad the film). We get endless spring break scenes of cute girls in bikinis jell-o wrestling, dancing around, and swimming in the ocean.  And don’t get me wrong; I appreciated these scenes.  No movie (with the exception of the craptacular The Human Centipede) doesn’t benefit with the addition of some titties.

She almost makes watching this shitty flick worth it. Almost.

So writer James LaRosa (who was also one of the writers who penned the pretty exciting and destructive 2005 flick Category 7: The End of the World) definitely got the “spring break” part of the title down.  The problem is he forgot that the other part of the title is “shark attack.”  We get so many stupid and forgettable subplots of our bimbo coeds that he ran outta time when it came to the sharks.  We don’t get any cool scenes of the killer tiger sharks chewing their way through the cast.  Seriously; the shark scenes make up about 10% of this movie (and that’s being generous).  Even worse is that every shark here is stock footage of real sharks obviously swimming in much deeper waters, miles away from where the coeds are (the color and clarity of the water is different where the stock footage was filmed compared to where the coeds are).

Even more insulting is that the filmmakers here didn’t even use stock footage of tiger sharks.  The sharks were clearly grey reef sharks and had no  striped pattern on their backs like actual tiger sharks have.  This mess is directed by Paul Shapiro who has a ton of really solid TV shows he’s directed under his belt.  He’s directed episodes of Millennium, The X-Files, Dark Angel, 24, Supernatural, Smallville, Heroes, and Burn Notice.  These are all very solid TV shows; he has no excuses for making such a dud like Spring Break Shark Attack!!  Even if you are scared by a bunch of phony looking plastic shark fins cruising around the beach while vapid-headed coeds throw themselves around pretending they are getting attacked, well you’ll STILL hate this pointless dreck.

There's no doubt; the girls here are hot.

The filmmakers really shit the bed on this one.  I’m a suck for the killer shark genre, especially in the summertime.  But this one isn’t even fun as a “so bad it’s good” flick.  It just sucks out loud.  Definitely skip this turd.

My Summary:

Director:  Paul Shapiro

Plot:  1 out of 5 stars

Gore:  0 out of 10 skulls

Zombie Mayhem:  0 out of 5 brains

Reviewed by Scott Shoyer