Breaking News to Make You Throw Up: Martyrs Remake on the Way
I’m sorry everyone; I really am!! I hate to be the guy to tell you this news, but the BEST HORROR FILM of the last decade (or more), Pascal Laugier’s Martyrs, is being remade for an American audience. I guess us Americans are too dumb to “get” or appreciate Laugier’s brilliant and disturbing film about a girl hunting down the people who kidnapped and tortured her when she was younger. Oh but wait; this isn’t a “revenge” flick; oh no. This is a deeply disturbing flick that will get you on so many levels. It also has a very haunting atmosphere that I’m willing to bet the American remake with totally fuck up.
So who’s penning this remake? Mark L. Smith has been put in charge of this. You may know him from the by-the-numbers flick Vacancy (2007), the tiresome and unnecessary Vacancy 2: The First Cut (2008), and the “Meh”-inducing Joe Dante flick The Hole (2009). Is this the best they could come up with the write the remake. Ya know what, fuck Smith … the bottom line is Martyrs should not be remade now or ever. Laugier made a modern masterpiece that is going to get fucked over more than any other remake out there. Remaking Martyrs is the straw that broke my back. Yeah I know Hollywood is completely incapable of making something even close to Martyrs; but how about trying instead of just taking the original and fucking it up?
And if this is nauseating enough, cinematical.com reported earlier today that Wyck Godfrey will be producing the remake. What’s that; you don’t know who Wyck Godfrey is? Oh yes you do. He’s responsible for giving us such disappointing films as I, Robot (2004), Alien vs. Predator (2004), and the When a Stranger Calls remake (2006). Still doesn’t sound familiar? Well maybe you know him producing the Twilight Saga!!! One of the goddamn fucktards responsible for unleashing the horrible Twilight films on us is now gonna produce the Martyrs remake?? Fuck me!! What the hell does this man know about horror films? We all saw how the U.S. remake of [rec] turned out; do we really have to do that to Martyrs??
I feel sick. I’m gonna go get some Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and go curl up on the couch and watch the original Dawn of the Dead. If anyone out there wants to hold me I could really go for that.