30 Second Review: Killing Ariel (2008)
This flick is worse than finding out your grandmother was a silent film era porn star!! KILLING ARIEL has an interesting pre-credit sequence that has a demon attacking our star, Rick (Michael Brainard). This kinda pique my interest but as soon as the opening credits were over this flick goes downhill faster than Queen Latifah did in LAST HOLIDAY. I rented this one based solely on the plot summary provided by Netflix:
Enchanted by lusty she-demon Ariel (Axelle Cummings) and lured to a remote house for a weekend of passion, happily married Rick (Michael Brainard) tries to break free of the evil spell by killing the succubus, only to have the demon rise from the dead to keep him ensnared. Time and again Rick slays Ariel, who simply returns to life to continue her game. How can Rick escape a supernatural creature who refuses to die?
So you can see why I wanted to check this one out; a (supposedly) sexy chick keeps getting killed over and over again by the same guy. It seemed the potential for some real fun gore was high with this one. I was very wrong.
The main problem with KILLING ARIEL is the pace. This is really slow … REALLY slow, and honestly nothing happens. And what happened to our description that pretty much promises Rick killing some demoness over and over again? It certainly wasn’t in here. Once Ariel is introduced I figured the carnage would soon follow. If by “carnage” you mean Rick and Ariel standing around talking about really unimportant, boring shit then you are correct. And instead of making Ariel this enchanting, irresistible, sexy siren, she comes off more like some pseudo-hippie chick who gets cuter after a 12-pack and a few bong hits. You know the type; its the kind of chick you’ll listen to drone on and on about how spiritual she is because you know there’s a good chance you’re gonna get laid.
I’m not gonna waste anymore space on this one; this could’ve/should’ve been a fun, sexy, gory flick but turns out to be 90 minutes of yawns and the temptation to use the fast forward button. KILLING ARIEL? More like “Killing Time” (I know I know, cheesy comment, but I’m not gonna waste a good metaphor on this suckfest). Definitely skip this one.
Directors: Fred Calvert & David J. Negron, Jr. (did this really require 2 directors to make this shitfest?)
Plot: 1 out of 5 stars
Gore: 3.5 out of 10 skulls
Zombie Mayhem: 0 out of 5 brains
Reviewed by Scott Shoyer