Let the gigantic monster match-ups continue. MEGA SHARK VS. CROCOSAURUS is a direct sequel to 2009’s MEGA SHARK VS. OCTOPUS … I guess ya just can’t keep a good shark down. But unfortunately I didn’t find this one nearly as fun as OCTOPUS and everything about this one feels like a rush job from the people over at The Asylum to try and quickly cash in on the success of OCTOPUS.
The plot is … hhmmm … the plot is pretty non-existent here. While mining for diamonds in the Congo workers unleash a 1,500 foot crocodile. Meanwhile in the ocean the mega shark is still swimming around since the first movie. I guess the military didn’t think it was important that mega shark was still out there. But now that crocosaurus has been unleashed, mega shark is finding those croc eggs pretty damn tasty and too tempting to turn down. That’s right people; the conflict between these two giant beasts stems from the fact that mega shark can’t keep his mitts off of those delicious croc eggs. Ho-hum. But we need a human cast to pull along this plodding story, right? And I’m sure we get some pretty unique characters to boot, right? Wrong. We get the typical characters that flood these types of films: The drunken crocodile hunter Nigel Putnam (Gary Stretch); the scientist who’s an expert on sharks Dr. Terry McCormick (Jaleel White, who played Urkel on TV’s FAMILY MATTERS and also fills the spot of the 90’s pop cultural icon); and the tough-ass, hardcore government agent Agent Hutchinson (Sarah Lieving) who wears tight tank tops and tight pants. And by the way, Hutchinson is a secret service agent … did mega shark threaten the president or counterfeit money? Nothing here is new and it’s also not that exciting.
The first thing you’ll notice is that there’s a significant lack of the creatures duking it out (over croc eggs I might add), and we get way too much nonsense about trying to control the mega shark by using various sound frequencies (ya see Jaleel White is also a sound engineer). So after the military realizes that mega shark is addicted to croc eggs and that crocosaurus is gonna try and protect them, they know a big battle is imminent. So the rest of the plot is about them trying to get the two creatures to a spot where they won’t cause too much damage. Hhmmm; this plot sounds pretty familiar. Like I said above, this feels really rushed, like it was cranked out without giving the story too much thought or effort.
And we finally come to the inevitable discussion of the creatures themselves and the CGI. Well as is expected the CGI is pretty bad. Actually it’s really bad; worse than usual for a film cranked out by The Asylum. Every scene where we see the crocosaurus the creature is blurry, and it would appear that no one involved could agree on how big to make mega shark. It’s size changes in practically every scene and it gets bigger or smaller depending on what it’s attacking. Plus we all know that the “famous” scene from OCTOPUS is when mega shark jumps outta the water and plucks the airplane from the sky. Well writer Micho Rutare (who also wrote METEOR APOCALYPSE) focuses on this and gives is many many scenes of mega shark jumping out of the water. Many many MANY scenes. In fact I think mega shark spent more time in the air than it did swimming around in the water. Mega shark jumps over a U.S. battleship and uses it’s tail to smash and destroy it. But even better is that mega shark growls all the time (we can even hear it growling under the water) and can even “walk” on land, using it’s tail to propel itself across the ground. Mega shark certainly learned quite a few tricks since he fought that pesky giant octopus!!
But all this craziness aside; the biggest problem with MEGA SHARK VS. CROCOSAURUS is that it’s just not all that much fun. I didn’t have nearly the amount of fun here as I did with OCTOPUS and the recent MEGA PYTHON VS. GATOROID. The story drags on and on in many places and the scenes where they’re fighting were poorly filmed and over quickly. It was hard to make out anything. Look, MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS was essentially a fluke. Writer-director Jack Perez hit gold; I’m sure he knows this and is grateful for that. But lightening doesn’t strike twice, and the is what CROCOSAURUS is; people trying to make lightening strike twice. It doesn’t work and it feels forced, like tying to hammer a coke can into your pee-hole. It doesn’t fit and you won’t get any pleasure from it.
Director Christopher Ray, who’s already in post production cranking out The Asylum’s version of the upcoming THOR movie appropriately titled ALMIGHTY THOR, simply just misses the boat here. With a flying and walking mega shark, a crocosaurus who comes out of a diamond mine (and I still have no idea what the f**k a “crocosaurus” is), intriguing dialogue like “then I suggest you bring your hydrosonic balls with you”, and actors who really don’t seem all that interested being involved in this train wreck, you’ll end up feeling very let down after it’s all over. Technically it has the ingredients to be fun but ultimately fails due to poor execution and the entire project feeling like a rush job. I’m gonna have to say pass on MEGA SHARK VS. CROCOSAURUS.
Director: Christopher Ray
Plot: 1 out of 5 stars
Gore: 0 out of 10 skulls
Zombie Mayhem: 0 out of 5 brains
Reviewed by Scott Shoyer