From the “What the F*#k” File: Stretch Armstrong the Movie Coming our Way!!
Hollywood never ceases to amaze me. There’s so many talented writers out there with original screenplays but instead they soend money on shit like this!! If you’re from the same generation as me then you grew up with the Hasbro toy, STRETCH ARMSTRONG. Old STRETCH was a rubbery doll filled with gel that allowed you to stretch the living bejesus outta it and twist it up into all kinds of off shapes. And if you were like me, you threw knives at it to make it “bleed”. Well Universal Studios thought this would make a great film … or at least they did. Let me back up.
A while ago Universal executives, obviously in the middle of a crack-meth-hooker binge decided it’d be a great idea to strike up a deal with Hasbro and make a bunch of films based on old Hasbro toys. The first one is BATTLESHIP, coming later this year. Well I guess these execs were sent to rehab, and in their sobriety realized just how stupid a deal that was. Universal has already put the brakes on Ouija, Clue, Monopoly, and Magic, The Gathering. Now you can add STRETCH ARMSTRONG to the list. But here’s where it gets interesting. According to deadline.com, Relativity Media thinks it’ll make a great film (apparently) and has swooped it up. When attached with Universal, Rob Letterman was set to direct and Taylor Lautner to star. What’s that; don’t know who Lautner is? He’s the emotionless meat-sack actor who plays the werewolf in the TWILIGHT films. But Lautner is longer attached to the project, and apparently neither is Letterman. According to Lautner’s people:
“it was our choice” to pull out of the film, but in fact a project insider told Deadline months ago right after Lautner’s Lionsgate film Abduction bombed that the studio was rethinking the project with Lautner as star but that Hasbro would make the final decision on the status of the project.
I think Lautner just got bitch-slapped!! Here’s Relativity Media’s press release/announcement:
(Beverly Hills, Calif.) January 30, 2012 –Relativity Media has partnered with global branded play company Hasbro, Inc. [NASDAQ-HAS] to develop and produce a live-action tent-pole film based on Stretch Armstrong, the iconic action hero figure launched in the 1970s, it was announced today by Relativity’s Co-President, Tucker Tooley and Hasbro’s President and CEO, Brian Goldner.
Relativity will be the domestic distributor and will release the film internationally through its network of foreign output partners. The film is targeted for an April 11, 2014 release date.
The film will be produced by Relativity’s CEO, Ryan Kavanaugh (The Fighter), Hasbro’s Goldner (Transformers) and Bennett Schneir, Senior Vice President and Managing Director, Motion Pictures (Battleship). Tooley (Immortals) will serve as executive producer.
Hasbro has become an entertainment powerhouse by creating hit movies and television shows from its rich portfolio of world class brands. Since 2007, Hasbro’s Transformers and G.I. Joe franchises have grossed nearly $3 billion at the worldwide box office. 2012 is shaping up to be another stellar year for Hasbro with its partners Universal Pictures releasing Battleship in April and Paramount Pictures releasing G.I. Joe: Retaliation in June. In television, Hasbro Studios produces shows like Transformers Prime and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic that can be seen on the HUB television network in the U.S. and in more than 140 countries globally.
“We are absolutely thrilled to partner with Hasbro, a company whose global reach and ability to innovate has made them immensely successful in the arena of brand re-imagination– as evidenced by their legacy of creating such franchises as Transformers and G.I. Joe,” said Tooley, “We look forward to bringing Stretch Armstrong to audiences worldwide.”
“Stretch Armstrong is a great example of Hasbro’s rich portfolio of intellectual properties that we are continuing to develop globally,” said Goldner, “We are excited to partner with Relativity on this movie as they are a growing and innovative studio.”
Stretch Armstrong is the classic action hero figure first launched by Hasbro in 1976 and re-launched in the 90’s, sold successfully throughout North America and in markets across the world. The original Stretch’s unique design broke free of traditional action figures, as he could be stretched over and over and always returned back to his original size. The nostalgic toy is considered to be rare and collectible to this day.
Hhmmm; no mention of either Lautner or Letterman. Let’s face it; Lautner is no box office draw. He can’t act and has the emotional range of a carp. He’s famous because of the TWILIGHT films. After TWILIGHT is done he’ll fade away into obscurity and end up washing dishes at your local TGI Friday’s restaurant (okay, maybe not). But Lautner aside, a movie based on STRETCH ARMSTRONG sounds fucking horrible … just absolutely horrible!! These studio execs need to take their heads outta their asses and check themselves!!