Legend of the Goatman: Horrifying Monsters, Cryptids, and Ghosts (2013)
Did you catch the “documentary” on the Megalodon that’s been airing on this year’s Shark Week? It was presented as a documentary about a few shark hunters who think they’ve stumbled upon an ancient megalodon alive and well today. It was a terrific documentary that many, many people were mesmerized by. That is until three disclaimers were shown at the very end of the “mockumentary” basically telling the viewer that the last two hours was total bullshit. The documentary was completely made up and all the scientists, shark hunters, and experts were all actors. I must say that about thirty minutes into this one my “bullshit meter” started going off. The scientists were all way too comfy in front of the camera and there was just something manufactured about the entire production (especially that opening boat disaster).
I bring the megalodon mockumentary up because that one had me going for a while. But the documentary, LEGEND OF THE GOATMAN: HORRIFYING MONSTERS, CRYPTIDS, AND GHOSTS, didn’t fool me even for a second. Right from the get-go my meter was screaming “bullshit.” The actors who were playing the opening team of supernatural hunters were terrible and very unconvincing. LEGEND OF THE GOATMAN felt more like the failed attempt at an hour long segment ghost hunting TV pilot than a documentary. And I can see where/why it failed.
The first story has this team of “hunters” going down to Maryland to investigate the titular legend of the Goatman. According to this legend, Goatman is an axe-wielding, half-man, half-animal creature that was once a scientist who worked in a research facility where goats were being experimented on. The experiments went bad and the scientist began attacking cars with an axe, roaming the back roads of Beltsville, Maryland. This sounds like a really silly, lazy episode of THE X-FILES, doesn’t it!! What’s wrong here is that everyone involved in this “documentary” is completely unconvincing. The team members, the witnesses, and the experts all looked and acted like really bad actors. There was absolutely nothing authentic about any of these idiots (the team’s “psychic” was a 20-something bimbo who had bigger tits than psychic abilities, and she was a terrible actress). During the course of the investigation the lead investigator tells the camera that they’re gonna have to leave the woods because they are running out of batteries in their both their flashlights and in their other equipment. Apparently “spiritual energy drains batteries.” I didn’t know that!! So these mensa members tie up a goat in the woods with no cameras or other kinds of equipment focused on it. The goat then screams and disappears, they all freak out and run out of the woods saying it’s obvious the Goatman is real. Are they fucking serious??
The second story is about Bigfoot and I was looking forward to this one. But we get the same horrible, unconvincing actors posing as experts and witnesses. The main story here is that a witness claims he was kidnapped by a couple of Bigfoot who kept him as a prisoner until he was able to escape. There was no evidence or facts to back up this ridiculous claim.
The last two investigations where on ghosts. One was about ghosts in a swamp and the other was about a “ghost doppelgänger” (I wish I was kidding here). These “investigations” were anything but. It was more like an episode of BELIEVE IT OR NOT with Jack Palance. They simply retold various urban legends of ghosts hanging around the swamp.
The LEGEND OF THE GOATMAN is, simply put, unwatchable and gives all genre-centric documentaries a bad name. Nowhere was any evidence, science, or facts even attempted to be presented to back up the supernatural claims. This one is a huge disappointment and you need to stay clear of this one!!
LEGEND OF THE GOATMAN: HORRIFYING MONSTERS, CRYPTIDS, AND GHOSTS will be available on DVD on September 1, 2013.
Director: William Burke
Plot: 1 out of 5 stars
Gore: 0 out of 10 skulls
Zombie Mayhem: 0 out of 5 brains
Reviewed by Scott Shoyer