Damnit!! He got me again. My old buddy Philip Gardiner cranked out another shitty horror flick and I wasn’t paying attention and I watched it. I knew five seconds into this one that it was a Gardiner flick. It has all the “Gardiner Stamps” we’ve come to love: Overly stylized shots, absolutely no plot to be found, the entire film has a very music video feel to it. Yup; just like the previous Gardiner flicks I reviewed (LADY OF THE DARK: GENESIS OF THE SERPENT VAMPIRE, MEN IN BLACK: THE DARK WATCHERS, and ALIEN FROM AREA 51: THE ALIEN AUTOPSY FOOTAGE REVEALED), DEAD WALKERS: RISE OF THE 4TH REICH sucks out loud and is a total waste of time if you’re looking for any kind of narrative plot.
DEAD WALKERS originally hooked me with a description that promised a new resurgence of the Fourth Reich, Nazi occultism, and if you believe the cover art, zombie-like Nazis. What did we actually get? The same old big middle finger from Mr. Gardiner. Lots of style with absolutely no substance. This is the description that Gardiner himself wrote about DEAD WALKERS on the IMDb.com page:
“Based on years of occult research and insider knowledge, Dead Walkers is a film packed with spies, soldiers, Nazis and secrets. But also a very dark and mysterious army raised in the pit of Nazi hell.”
So Gardiner is telling us he has done years of research and has insider knowledge on this subject yet decides to present his findings in this format? Maybe he should’ve made a documentary; that would have at least been interesting. What we get is a completely slipshod hour and eighteen minute film where nothing happens and where nothing makes any kind of coherent sense. Sure I’ve watched films before that were confusing, but at least had some interesting elements in it. DEAD WALKERS, though, commits the cardinal sin: It’s fucking boring!! Seriously, everything is filmed in a green hue where you really can’t see any details in any of the scenes (maybe that’s the point), and the story is told in a flashback format (I think). I couldn’t make heads or tails out of this crapfest.
I’m not being evasive about the plot, there’s just no plot to tell you about. The soundtrack is terrible, the sound quality is terrible (sounds like it was filmed in an echo chamber), and it all looks like it was originally shot as a shitty music video and then they decided to market it as a feature film. My main question is, who the hell keeps giving this hack money to make movies? The guy’s track record is worse than the Detroit Lions. Don’t just avoid DEAD WALKERS; avoid any feature film with the name “Philip Gardiner” attached to it (though I’d be willing to give a documentary that Gardiner made a shot). Just avoid this one at all costs.
Director: Philip Gardiner (& writer)
Plot: 0 out of 5 stars (there was no plot)
Gore: 0 out of 10 skulls
Zombie Mayhem: 1 out of 5 brains
Reviewed by Scott Shoyer