We couldn’t close out 2014 without reading Deggsy’s Best and Worst Horror Films of 2014!! Here’s Deggsy’s Worst of list … I recognize a few on this list!! (AHS)
Well, compared with my list for Best of 2014 Horror, I have an embarrassment of riches when it comes to the Worst of 2014 Horror. Really, the biggest problem was choosing movies that were actually Godawful and wretched, rather than ones that were just “Meh”. I think the biggest problem with those types of movies is that the filmmakers bring nothing either fresh or interesting to the proverbial table, unless it’s your first time at the table. It’s not, for me. I’m nearing fifty, so I’ve seen much of everything before, and usually done better, so excuse me for having higher standards.
Anyway, here goes my Worst Horror for 2014, in no particular order (except for the last one; that turd is firmly lodged at the front of the line like a fat guy at a buffet and won’t budge for anything):
PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: THE MARKED ONES (read my review here): Seriously, is this franchise on its 34th entry now, and I’m still waiting for the next HELLRAISER movie? Apart from a setting and cast of characters not firmly ensconced in Suburban White America, this is indistinguishable from the other entries. Honestly, this movie has all the creative individuality of the fourth member of a firing squad. There is some attempt to tie it in with one of the earlier movies, but I can’t decipher which, since I drank bleach after watching the last one to forget about it.
GODZILLA: Halfway through watching this, I had one thought: they criminally underused the character played by the immensely talented Bryan Cranston. By the end, this was eclipsed by the fact that they criminally underused THE CHARACTER IN THE TITLE. Honestly, a 2 hour Godzilla movie where we see less than 20 minutes of Godzilla himself? I’ve had better value for money from bored lapdancers making a quick buck before quitting time. Maybe I should have seen it on the big screen rather than on DVD, and most people seem to have liked it, but… sheesh, the 1998 GODZILLA had more monster action in it, and you know you’re in trouble when you make that movie look good.
I, FRANKENSTEIN: I never read Mary Shelley’s original novel. I have no doubt that her monster never looked like either Boris Karloff’s or Christopher Lee’s. But I’m betting he never looked like the lead out of LOVE HAPPENS, or bounced around like a superhero battling demons either. WTF? This was an absolute misfire of almost HIGHLANDER 2 proportions, like Scott I wonder why we need to make our monsters into heroes, and worse, stick them in a CGI environment already thoroughly sodomised by the UNDERWORLD franchise. This needs to be dismembered and its parts burned. It’s the only way to be sure.
THE COED AND THE ZOMBIE STRIPPER (read my review here): Really, with a title like this, the bar is already set so low that flatworms would struggle to crawl under it (and I only just noticed now that I mistitled the review as THE ZOMBIE AND THE COED STONER. I must have still been in a fugue state after watching it). The Asylum’s attempt at a stoner fratboy comedy is about as successful as my attempt to run the 4-minute mile, and ends up about as painful. Any bad version of a particular genre movie can still be entertaining by generating unintentional comedy. But a bad comedy? You have nowhere to go. Stick to making mockbusters and monster movies, Asylum, that’s where your talents lie. Oh, and congratulations for putting two nude girls in this and making them seem as sexy as watching plants pollinate.
ZOMBIE ISLE (read my review here): Someone tell the makers of this inept opus that “Grindhouse” does not mean “looking like some 9mm ‘70s stag film with all the rude bits chopped out of it”. A group of students and their pipe-sucking professor get stranded on an island eight feet away from the mainland, menaced by a mad scientist with a less convincing German accent than Colonel Klink, and unpaid extras lolloping about in zombie makeup like refuges from a pancake bukkake movie.
EXTRATERRESTRIAL: “The last thing I remember doing what sitting down to watch this movie about aliens menacing some obnoxious young people in the woods after they shot one of the aliens, and then I kept feeling like I was falling backwards in time and I was once more watching X-FILES and COMMUNION and ALIEN and CLOSE ENCOUNTERS and a dozen other, better movies and shows, and there were lights and shouting and Michael Ironside was there and I felt so sorry for him he used to be in decent movies and why is everyone shouting OH GOD WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME NO NOT THE ANAL PROBE!”
WAY OF THE WICKED (read my review here): The premise sounds more interesting than the reality, in that Christian Slater plays the creepiest priest ever, hanging around high schools looking for the Antichrist, and Vinnie Jones plays a small-town sheriff worrying about his teenage daughter and his career (focus on your career, Vinnie, your film daughter has a rack that will comfortably lead her into porn). The Antichrist, meanwhile, mopes around the school carrying a journal like a pretentious poet and playing sub-CARRIE pranks on the other kids. Avoid this like the Devil.
LEFT BEHIND: Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the untimely passing of Nicolas Cage’s career. Young Nicolas showed such potential in his youth, earning multiple Academy Award, Golden Globe and Screen Actors Guild awards and nominations, and able to easily stride the twin pillars of serious drama and action-comedy. Alas, in recent times he has hit the gutter like a hooker who’s been donkey-punched, and his latest self-destructive gasp involves him in a movie about the Rapture, the supposed event that will transport all True Christians to Heaven, leaving the atheists, Jews, Muslims, feminists and homosexuals stranded on Earth, because clearly the loving and forgiving God we’ve been told about all our lives is really a vengeful, petty, bigoted hosebag who has favourites among His children. Just so you know.
ASYLUM (read my review here): A late entry, this one, and one of the few I ever reviewed without watching the whole thing. In most cases like that, the film has been too boring for me to bother putting any more effort into it, but After Dark Films did something special with this movie. Not *good*, but Special. Watch the trailer, and you think you’re gonna see a straightforward movie starring Stephen Rea as a hostage negotiator whose SWAT team enters an asylum overrun by the inmates, only to find supernatural shenanigans behind it all. Watch the actual movie, and you will see an intentionally-unfinished movie where two “editors” make comments throughout about how shitty it is. Like Rifftrax, only not funny. I’m still wondering if I got a bad copy of the movie. Did the original filmmakers even realise what After Dark would do with their work? I feel like I’ve watched some innocent bystander get assaulted and I did nothing about it.
But the Number One Steaming Bad Movie of 2014 for me must be…
LEPRECHAUN: ORIGINS (read my review here): Yes, this is the Acme of terrible for 2014 for me. The LEPRECHAUN franchise never had high standards, but it had a goofy charm in its own right at least. But someone at Lionsgate had the bright idea to drop Warwick Davis from the title role and replace him with a midget wrestler because they had a deal with the WWE (and then make sure we don’t see or hear him), and then film it in Vancouver but call it Ireland, and then make the story a generic and forgettable Kids in a Cabin Menaced by Unseen Creature movie. It’s not the first bad movie made just to hold onto the franchise rights, but even Roger Corman’s shitty 1991 FANTASTIC FOUR movie was more faithful to its source material than this piece of crap. LEPRECHAUN: ORIGINS is about as misguided as making the next HELLRAISER a Bollywood musical (no, scratch that, something like that might still be more entertaining than this).
So, these are my choices. What do you think?