Shitty Sci-Fi Round-Up: Alien Uprising (2008); Alien Agent (2007); Alien Lockdown (2004)
To prove I watch more than just horror movies I’ve decided to do this installment of the “shitty movie round-up” on 3 sci-fi flicks. But not just any 3 sci-fi flicks; only ones that start with the word “Alien” (and excusing the obvious Ridley Scott Alien franchise). Oh the things I do for you people!! Let’s get this over with:
Our first stop is Tim Cox’s 2004 Alien Lockdown (written by my old nemesis Boaz Davidson). This should have been titled “alien on a rampage movie #6928,” and is a by-the-book crappy sci-fi flick that rips off elements from about 20 different flicks. Every cliché and stereotype from this genre is here (but then what do you expect from a Nu-Image production?). We get the back story of a meteor containing a shiny rick that hits the earth 1000s of years ago. The rock is so important that empires have been destroyed trying to obtain it. But as important as it is it just gets lost in the desert somewhere (kinda like an intergalactic set of keys). Cut to modern times: An archeological dig in the desert finds the shiny rock and it’s given over to a super secret government agency. The rock contains (wait for it …) ALIEN DNA. And what do you know; a mad scientist uses that DNA to create “the next step in our evolution.” It’s a perfect killing machine with steel-like skin, predatory instincts, and of course razor sharp claws that’ll peel ya like a grape. I had no idea humanities next step evolutionary-wise is as a perfect killing machine!! Sweet. The alien’s one weakness is a soft spot that can be penetrated with earthly weapons which can kill it. Welcome to Convenient Plot Point Theater. And don’t ya know it, when the creature escapes and starts tearing through the scientists like Rosie O’Donnell tearing through tampons during her period all the scientists are shocked. I guess they’ve never seen a sci-fi movie before. We get all the trappings of this genre: stereotypical characters, terrible f/x, terrible acting, and really poor lighting. This movie has nothing going for it. Save your time and scoop out your eyes with a spoon instead.
I'm yawning just looking at the poster!!
Our next stop is 2007’s Alien Agent, directed by Jesse V. Johnson. Stop me if you’ve heard this before: A “cop” from outer space … what’s that? You’ve heard this before? That’s what I thought. Anyway, a “space cop” comes to earth to stop another alien race from invading earth. I don’t think this movie was MADE for the SyFy Channel, but it may as well have been. All I can say is, Billy Zane? Kim Coates? Shame on you both. There’s not an original thought going on here and there’s definitely no action. But if you’re looking for lame dialogue you’ve come to the right place. Interesting fact: This was originally developed as a vehicle for Dolph Lundgren!! Didn’t he already make this movie (I Come in Peace)? Just save yourself 95 excruciating minutes of trying to avoid falling asleep. Here’s an idea, just GO to sleep. I’m sure the action in your dreams is more exciting.
And our last stop on the “crap train” is 2008’s Alien Uprising, directed by Andrew Bellware (who previously gave us … aahhh who cares). This is a horrible, horrible movie. I should’ve turned this one off after the first 5mins but it was like watching a puppy swallowing lit firecrackers: I knew what the result was gonna be, but I needed to see it happen anyway. I figured in the worst case scenario this would be a “so bad its good” flick. Nope. Wrong. A scratchy soundtrack; ZERO production values; TERRIBLE acting; eye-rolling dialogue; and some of the worst f/x I’ve ever seen (and that’s saying something). I’m guessing the “f/x” were done by two 10 year olds. For example; the ship’s AI is a black & white projection on a wall from a 16mm film projector. I’m not kidding people, it’s really that pathetic. And you know you’re dealing with no budget when the “alien” has taken human form. What a cheese ball way to avoid having to make a creature. I guess they ran through their f/x budget on buying that 16mm projector!! This is total garbage and I hated every second of it. Don’t waste your time on this. Definitely skip it.
My Summary:
Alien Lockdown
Director: Tim Cox
Plot: 1.5 out of 5 stars
Gore: 0 out of 10 skulls
Zombie Mayhem: 0 out of 5 brains
Alien Agent
Director: Jesse V. Johnson
Plot: .5 out of 5 stars
Gore: 0 out of 10 skulls
Zombie Mayhem: 0 out of 5 brains
Alien Uprising
Director: Andrew Bellware
Plot: .5 out of 5 stars
Gore: 0 out of 10 skulls
Zombie Mayhem: 0 out of 5 brains
Reviewed (unfortunately) by Scott Shoyer
Tell me, do you throw popcorn at the TV screen as you watch these? You are seriously brave (and I’m a ghost hunter, I should know). You are hardcore. How do you do it? I would have seen the covers and the names and just turned away. Billy Zane, huh? I had a crush on him back in the “Lake Consequences” days. I saw he was losing his hair in the last movie I saw him in and he started shaving his hair off to cover it up. I thought with age he’d make a nice bad-ass actor. Hope he doesn’t try to sport a rug.
I tend to throw whatever’s around me at the TV screen when I watch these shit-fests!!! So I try to not have anything too damaging around me
I’ve always like Billy Zane. I first saw him in Dead Calm (with Nicole Kidman & Sam Neill … great cast) and was really impressed with him. And then when I saw Zane on Twin Peaks that sealed the deal …. he was my 1st official “man crush” LOL!!! If ya wanna see him in a more recent flick check out The Mad (2007). Its a zombie-comedy that actually works. There’s even a killer hamburger pattie in it (gotta see it to believe it!!!).
Jeez, I forgot about him in Dead Calm. I don’t know how I could have cause I told my friend the movie was preposterous. If I were Nicole, I’d totally do him–craziness and all! I saw him in some godawful thing with folks who had a boat wreck and were on an island together–it was miserable, quit watching it. I was afraid that he was going to just phase out, so I’m glad he’s still doing stuff. Now I have to see that movie when you said there’s a killer hamburger pattie-I seriously want to know how that goes down.
Back when Dead Calm was made I don’t know of too many women & girls who would’ve been upset at being chased around by Billy Zane!! Hell; I would’ve held his hand!!! LOL
Oh yeah … I forgot about Survival Island (also called Three) when he’s stranded on a island. That was pretty fucking awful!!
Definitely check out The Mad … its a really silly movie with silly humor, but its all pretty fun somehow. Not the best zom-com out there, but I thought it was pretty fun.
I put The Mad at the top of my Netlfix Queue–sounds like fun.
I hope ya like it!!! Let me know after you watch it.
I will. You might want to check out my blog today–a new spoof I did on TV ghost hunters (a series)
Love the spoof you did today!! You’re gonna get me addicted. Whenever you have something on your blog you want to share, put your link into the message, always making sure to include the “http://” part of it. This will help drive traffic for both our sites!!
I’m glad you liked it. I hope you read all of them. I loved the ones with Josh Gates and want to do more more and call them “Destination Spoof” or something like that…
I’ll definitely be reading all of them!! I like the “Destination Spoof” title!!
Sorry, I couldn’t resist!
Nice one Bill!!! I was laughing out loud on that one!!