Since summer is quickly coming upon us I thought I’d celebrate my favorite time of year with none other than a “summer movie.” Hey why not; other channels do “Shark Week” for the entire summer so I’m gonna ‘jump the shark’ (ah-hem) and review Malibu Shark Attack (originally aired on July 25, 2009). I have seen waaaay too many of these made for SyFy Channel stink bombs but for some reason this one stands above the others and is a lotta fun. All the SyFy staples are here; crappy dialogue, less-than-stellar acting, ridiculous plot, and CGI creatures (here they are previously thought to be extinct goblin sharks released during an underwater earthquake). What makes this more fun than other crappy flicks on the SyFy Channel is that this one seems to fully embrace and wallow in its crapulence.
Before the opening credits are even over we get an underwater earthquake that frees the prehistoric goblin sharks. This is a good opening and the action kicks in immediately. After the credits we get to meet the main cast, a team of lifeguards, and follow them around as they monitor the beaches of Malibu. We get some inane dialogue and backstory on the characters , but what you really want to see is some goblin sharks chomping on some asses!!
The wait is soon over though, as that underwater earthquake creates a tsunami that makes the Indonesian tsunami back in 2004 look like a summer shower. So now instead of coming up with reasons to make people go to the sharks, the sharks can come to the people via a flooded Malibu. Before you can say, “Looks like we need a bigger boat,” the sharks begin attacking and giving us exactly what the movie’s title promises: A lot of sharks killing a lot of people in Malibu.
The sharks here are all CGI, and it was kind of annoying that in some scenes the CGI was done really well and in others it looked as though a 10-year old did some computer animation on his dad’s old Commodore 64. Overall though the sharks look pretty cool; they have wicked overbites, horns on their heads, and many rows of large, sharp teeth. But best of all we get to see many shots of them chewing their way through the annoying cast. There’s a really decent body count here (my favorite is the parasailor who when he dips down into the water looses the lower half of his body). There’s a lot plot holes here that ya just gotta ignore in order to have fun. For example, when we see the sharks underwater they move super fast, but when we see their dorsal fins above water they move around like they’re swimming in frozen molasses. And my favorite is that the tsunami (remember, worse than the Indonesian one) doesn’t wipe out the shitty little lifeguard shack that is sitting right on the beach!! That shack, in fact, stands up to a tsunami and then a vicious gang of hungry goblin sharks. That’s one well-built friggin’ shack!!
“What about the cast,” you may wonder? The cast is full of relative unknowns. It does have Mungo McKay, the ass-kicking bad ass from the Spierig Brother’s 2003 zombie flick Undead, Evert McQueen, and Peta Wilson (who seems to just be going through the motions). And not to be an asshole, but what the hell happened to Peta Wilson? She looks like she just got off a 3 week bender (although I think she may have been preggo during the filming; the camera avoids any full body shots of her and her face looks really bloated). Other than these 3, the movie is just full of actors and actresses who’s sole reason for being here is to be chew toys for the sharks.
Director David Lister does give us a little originality here. As the sharks tear through the cast the survivors start fighting back. We get a few “Rambo-esque” moments as the humans strike back at the sharks. Ever see a shark get killed by a guy going medieval on its ass with a chainsaw? You will. This is a bad movie folks, don’t get me wrong. But unlike some of its brethren on the SyFy Channel this one manages to be fun and “so bad it’s good.” Check it out.
Director: David Lister
Plot: 3 out of 5 stars
Gore: 4 out of 10 skulls
Zombie Mayhem: 0 out of 5 brains
Reviewed by Scott Shoyer