Malibu Shark Attack (2009) … Goblin Sharks, Oh My!!

Since summer is quickly coming upon us I thought I’d celebrate my favorite time of year with none other than a “summer movie.”  Hey why not; other channels do “Shark Week” for the entire summer so I’m gonna ‘jump the shark’ (ah-hem) and review Malibu Shark Attack (originally aired on July 25, 2009).  I have seen waaaay too many of these made for SyFy Channel stink bombs but for some reason this one stands above the others and is a lotta fun.  All the SyFy staples are here; crappy dialogue, less-than-stellar acting, ridiculous plot, and CGI creatures (here they are previously thought to be extinct goblin sharks released during an underwater earthquake).  What makes this more fun than other crappy flicks on the SyFy Channel is that this one seems to fully embrace and wallow in its crapulence.

Before the opening credits are even over we get an underwater earthquake that frees the prehistoric goblin sharks.  This is a good opening and the action kicks in immediately.  After the credits we get to meet the main cast, a team of lifeguards, and follow them around as they monitor the beaches of Malibu.  We get some inane dialogue and backstory on the characters , but what you really want to see is some goblin sharks chomping on some asses!!

Ladies & gentlemen; the goblin shark.

The wait is soon over though, as that underwater earthquake creates a tsunami that makes the Indonesian tsunami back in 2004 look like a summer shower.  So now instead of coming up with reasons to make people go to the sharks, the sharks can come to the people via a flooded Malibu.  Before you can say, “Looks like we need a bigger boat,” the sharks begin attacking and giving us exactly what the movie’s title promises:  A lot of sharks killing a lot of people in Malibu.

This is most definitely NOT Bay Watch!!

The sharks here are all CGI, and it was kind of annoying that in some scenes the CGI was done really well and in others it looked as though a 10-year old did some computer animation on his dad’s old Commodore 64.  Overall though the sharks look pretty cool; they have wicked overbites, horns on their heads, and many rows of large, sharp teeth.  But best of all we get to see many shots of them chewing their way through the annoying cast.  There’s a really decent body count here (my favorite is the parasailor who when he dips down into the water looses the lower half of his body).  There’s a lot plot holes here that ya just gotta ignore in order to have fun.  For example, when we see the sharks underwater they move super fast, but when we see their dorsal fins above water they move around like they’re swimming in frozen molasses.  And my favorite is that the tsunami (remember, worse than the Indonesian one) doesn’t wipe out the shitty little lifeguard shack that is sitting right on the beach!!  That shack, in fact, stands up to a tsunami and then a vicious gang of hungry goblin sharks.  That’s one well-built friggin’ shack!!

Not from the movie but its still a cool shot!!

“What about the cast,” you may wonder?  The cast is full of relative unknowns.  It does have Mungo McKay, the ass-kicking bad ass from the Spierig Brother’s 2003 zombie flick Undead, Evert McQueen, and Peta Wilson (who seems to just be going through the motions).  And not to be an a*****e, but what the hell happened to Peta Wilson?  She looks like she just got off a 3 week bender (although I think she may have been preggo during the filming; the camera avoids any full body shots of her and her face looks really bloated).  Other than these 3, the movie is just full of actors and actresses who’s sole reason for being here is to be chew toys for the sharks.

Let’s just remember the way Peta Wilson used to look!!

Director David Lister does give us a little originality here.  As the sharks tear through the cast the survivors start fighting back.  We get a few “Rambo-esque” moments as the humans strike back at the sharks.  Ever see a shark get killed by a guy going medieval on its ass with a chainsaw?  You will.  This is a bad movie folks, don’t get me wrong.  But unlike some of its brethren on the SyFy Channel this one manages to be fun and “so bad it’s good.”  Check it out.

My Summary:

Director:  David Lister

Plot:  3 out of 5 stars

Gore:  4 out of 10 skulls

Zombie Mayhem:  0 out of 5 brains

Reviewed by Scott Shoyer

Stay Bloody!!!

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16 Responses to Malibu Shark Attack (2009) … Goblin Sharks, Oh My!!

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  3. candace says:

    I thought this was way better then any of the many syfy movies as well! I just can’t believe that was PETA WILSON…Oh, La Femme Nikita…what did they do to you? I know that sounds horrible, but I mean, wow. Who was the actress that looked better then Tara Ried, but can only be described as a poor man’s Tara Ried?

  4. Ifaz says:

    O man, you are such a sy-fy nerd!! I have a few of these films lined up that I’ll watch after May. And I feel weird for not being around the blog more, but it’s just this month 🙂

    Hey you interested in making your own indie horror film ever? Lol just wondering!

    • You’re wrong Ifaz; I’m a SyFy SUPER nerd!! 🙂 Don’t worry about not being around as much… take care of your school stuff. AnythingHorror will be here for ya when your work has slowed down!!

      I would absolutely love to make an indie horror short. I have some ideas, but time and especially money is short right now!! What about you??

      • Ifaz says:

        Hell yeah I want to!!! But you know, it’ll be a trouble. I’ll have to come to USA first(that’s like 3-5 more years away 🙁 ). And if I ever have the luck to make one, I’ll work my own script 😀 !!!! But as for now, it’s all a wet dream.

        What sorta ideas, I mean what subgenre of horror interests you most?

      • Get your ass to America and then we can put our heads together on a kick ass script!! My favorite sub-genre is the zombie genre, but for an indie filmmaker I think that stretches your budget (unless you really know what you’re doing … which when it comes to filmmaking, I don’t). I think a nice slasher flick could be cool; keep locations down to 1 or 2 and try to put some cool spin on the slasher story.

      • Ifaz says:

        Oh that I will! I know what you are saying, I want a vampire film but hell no Im making no Twilight!! lol.

        About the slasher you are talking about and the details you mentioned, I have a script(I didn’t write it though) and it simply matches with everything you just said. It’s mediocre & got a couple of cliches but anyone can fix that. I really think you should give it a read sometimes.

      • I’d love to read that script sometime. I’m a sucker for a good slasher!!

  5. autumnforest says:

    I admit to a terrible weakness for all shark movies and this one promises to be total stink and fun. I can’t help it. If it’s underwater and biting, piranhas, sharks, frankenfish…I don’t care, I wanna see it! Every Memorial Day I pull out “Jaws” and watch it, but then I hunger for more. This is one I just can’t miss even if a 10-year-old did do it on his dad’s commador… (great review–you crack me up!)

    • 🙂 Thanks AutumnForest. I love shark flicks too!! I don’t care how cheesy a killer shark flick is, I really think there’s something buried in out DNA that when we see a shark or even just its fin in the water we get that adrenaline rush and our “survival mode” goes deep into overdrive!! I love them. And like yourself I love anything in the water that bites. I’m actually waiting for Frankenfish from netflix …. I’ve seen it before but not for a while so I wanna refresh my memory so I can review it!! I LOVE Frankenfish!!

      • autumnforest says:

        I can’t wait for your Frankenfish review–I’m dying to see it. I should stick it in my Netflix too. When the weather gets hot (hitting 100 here tomorrow) I love my water-based horror.

      • You’re gonna love Frankenfish!! It’s a great cheese-fest. It actually has damn good production values & f/x too.

  6. You’ve got to love the goblin shark!!!