Skeleton Key 3 (2011); Caesar and Otto’s Summer Camp Massacre (2009); & Back to the Beyond (2011)

I hate u.001

Well I haven’t had to do this in a long time!!  A few days ago I watch three films that were so bad, so absolutely horrible, that I’m currently seeking a therapist (which my wife is happy about) and rethinking this whole “movie reviewer” gig (okay, not really).  But seriously; these films are shit … so shitty, in fact, that I don’t have enough to say about each one, so I’m lumping them together in one big steaming load; er … I mean review.

The first one I watched, SKELETON KEY 3: THE ORGAN TRAIL is almost beyond description.  “Written” and “directed” by John Johnson (please note that his last name is slang for ‘cock’) and if you can make it all the way through this one then you’re a better person than I am.  There’s absolutely no plot, horrible overacting, f/x that looks like they gave a six year old some spirit gum and latex to play with (my sincere apologies to all six year olds everywhere), horrible cinematography, and a crappy sound track.  This has absolutely no connection to the Kate Hudson film SKELETON KEY (2005), and there was apparently a previous entry that Johnson unleashed onto the world.  I’m guessing this one had its origins in a few guys getting stoned and drunk on Champale and deciding it’d be cool to make a horror movie.  Fun for them, maybe, but excruciating and a huge waste of time and money for us.  I’m not going over the plot because there literally isn’t one.

So I popped a new movie into the old DVD player to wash the taste of SKELETON KEY 3 outta my mouth and eyes, and to my surprise it was just as bad.  Yeah folks, the other night was definitely not a great night.  CEASAR AND OTTO’S SUMMER CAMP MASSACRE is just as unwatchable.  You immediately know that “writer-director” Dave Campfield is going for a horror-comedy, and I have no problem with that.  I’ve proven in the past that a horror-comedy done right is a hugely entertaining film, but by the three minute mark you know CEASAR AND OTTO is going to utterly fail.  The star (Dave Campfield himself) is overly hyper and under-funny.  It’s like watching a young kid at his birthday who ate too much sugar and is running around the room thinking he’s being funny.  But as I typed in my notes while watching this one, “There’s absolutely nothing funny about this film … NOTHING.  It’s un-fucking-watchable.”

So when I popped in BACK TO THE BEYOND into the DVD player I surely thought my luck has to change.  Right?  Well at least this one was a narrative that attempted to establish a plot with likable characters.  Unfortunately this one is so agonizingly slow that at times I thought I was staring at a painting.  In this one a paranormal team investigates what they think is a fictional haunting that actually turns out to be true.  Meh.  Out of the three films here, BACK TO THE BEYOND is the only one that I’d give director Kevin DiBacco another try.  This is his second film and there are times when I saw glimmers of hope here, but ultimately this one just becomes unbearable.

So strike three.

After I failed this third time I gave up on the horror genre for the night and decided to watch repeats of the FX animated show ARCHER (highly recommended).  You all know that I love indie horror films and that I’m not bashing these films on their low production values.  SKELETON KEY 3 and CEASAR AND OTTO don’t even attempt to get the basics down.  Do they think they’re gonna be the next Troma films’ Lloyd Kaufman?  They’re not.  People forget that Kaufman may have been (in my opinion at least) an experimental filmmaker, but he was still a filmmaker!!  DiBacco also at least demonstrates some skill with a camera and I can see he was going for more than a “let’s buy a camera and film shit” approach.  I hate to say it, but Johnson and Campfield don’t give indie filmmakers a good name or reputation, and they should keep their films where they’d be best appreciated:  Behind closed doors, screening it for their drunk and high buddies, and keeping it away from the public eye where people would have to shell out hard-earned cash to watch this crap.  Just forget I even talked about these films (although you’ll be seeing SKELETON KEY 3 again at the end of the year on my “Worst of 2011” list).

         

This is for you Skeleton Key 3 & Caesar & Otto!!

SKELETON KEY 3: THE ORGAN TRAIL

Director:  John Johnson (& writer)

Plot:  0 out of 5 stars

Gore:  2 out of 10 skulls

Zombie Mayhem:  0 out of 5 brains

          CEASAR AND OTTO’S SUMMER CAMP MASSACRE

Director:  Dave Campfield (& writer)

Plot:  0 out of 5 stars

Gore:  3 out of 10 skulls

Zombie Mayhem:  0 out of 5 brains

          BACK TO THE BEYOND

Director:  Kevin DiBacco

Plot:  1 out of 5 stars

Gore:  0 out of 10 skulls

Zombie Mayhem:  0 out of 5 brains

All 3 Films Reviewed by Scott Shoyer

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3 Responses to “Skeleton Key 3 (2011); Caesar and Otto’s Summer Camp Massacre (2009); & Back to the Beyond (2011)”
  1. l3pr3chaun says:

    Brilliant and hilarious! Here’s something that exceeds all that you just reviewed.

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  • Some of my favorite horror movies:
  • Dawn of the Dead (1978)

  • Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn (1987)

  • Martyrs (2008)

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