2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)
There’s a few things in this world we only get to experience once. Seeing Haley’s Comet or a meteor shower; being there for your child’s first birthday; hitting a huge jackpot in Las Vegas. But some things are so amazing and breathtaking that you just know you may never see anything like it again. Take for example what I experienced the other night. There I was settling in to watch 2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK when up on the screen I saw “The Asylum Presents” followed by “Starring Carmen Electra” followed by ‘Starring Brooke Hogan.” A tear rolled down my cheek knowing that besides maybe creation itself I am witnessing something truly special. It’s staggering to try and wrap one’s mind around the amount of contrasting forces and elements that had to come together in perfect synchronistic harmony. Or was it just a few Jewish agents sharing a corned beef sandwich on rye hammering out a deal? Aahhh you know what I mean. It’s the friggin’ Asylum, Carmen Electra, and Brooke Hogan for christ’s sake!!
Now let me stop anyone who is planning on writing a comment about this review saying how stupid the film was and how insulting the plot and dialogue was. No shit; it’s a fucking killer shark movie from The Asylum. Correction; it’s a TWO-headed killer shark movie!! If you go into this film expecting to get more than titties, sharks tearing apart people, Carmen Electra’s titties, and Brooke Hogan stuffed into a bikini top, well then you’re an idiot (and I mean that in the best way possible)..
2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK has a group of twenty-somethings attending a semester at sea for college. The instructor-adventurer-millionaire professor, Professor Babish (Charlie O’Connell), leads the class in some truly meaningless exercises that only proves you had to meet an I.Q. minimum to attend this semester at sea, And what university are they from anyway? Everyone aboard the ship is drop dead gorgeous and hunkier than a cowboy jetfighter who moonlights as a fireman!! Just when everyone starts getting settled in and we learn which character will be playing which stereotype, good old 2-headed shark has to come along and damage the ship. But this 2-headed shark is smart; it takes out the ship’s communications so no S.O.S message can be sent out!! Brooke Hogan plays Kate, a girl who has a traumatic past story which involves being terrified of the water (??!!!?) who is good with her hands, sharp with her tongue (not in that way), and overcomes her fear of the water quicker than a heroin junkie overcomes their fear of needles.
After attacking the ship, the students and Prof. Babish take the dinghies and head over to the nearest little land mass (much smaller than an island; much bigger than a mound of sand). Yes, of course the 2-headed shark took out a huge ship and could’ve easily eaten up the dinghies in one gulp, but what fun is that? Instead we get to see many pics and closeups of the 2-headed shark as it swims around picking off the idiotic twenty-somethings one at a time. You know what they say, “Slow and steady wins the race!!”
2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK follows a very familiar pattern here, and the end result is pretty much exactly what I expected. For three quarters of the movie we see Carmen Electra and I had no idea why she was even on the ship. She seemed to be Prof. Babish’s girlfriend (maybe) and then suddenly she seemed to be a medical expert. It turns out she was both the ship’s doctor AND the professor’s wife. Who knew. But really she was just eye candy who decides to slip on her bikini top and sunbath those luscious ta-tas while the ship is taking on water and slowly sinking (those tittles ain’t gonna sun themselves!!).
No; there’s really no surprises here with the story, written by Edward DeRuiter and H. Perry Horton. Director Christopher Ray (son of Fred Olen Ray) keeps everything moving at a brisk pace, and surprisingly there’s not one scene of the 2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK snatching a helicopter or plane out of the sky. It does jump outta the water, but it doesn’t grab anything in the air for a snack. Add to this some neat-o growling noises coming from the shark as it swims under water (it sounds like a lion) and then screw around with the size of it and you got yourself a film!! Seriously; in some scenes the shark looks as big as the ship it takes out, in other scenes each head of the shark looks like a megalodon, and then in other scenes the shark sneaks up and bites the asses of people swimming in waist-high water. What up?? What’s more; when the shark is biting into people it sounds like its eating potato chips!! The good news is that the f/x are a combo of practical (they had a model of the 2-headed shark) and CGI and overall the f/x were pretty well executed … especially for an Asylum flick.
2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK doesn’t set out to reinvent the wheel here. It follows the same pattern as every other attacking-creatures films put out by The Asylum. But when you have vapid-headed bimbos pointing out that, “Two heads mean twice as many teeth,” and other big-breasted meat bags suddenly taking off their tops and making out for no reason, you know you’re watching another ‘Masterpiece Theater Presents’ flick!! But the kills are fun, Carmen Electra’s titties are still lovely, and even Brooke Hogan was looking good in her daisy dukes and bikini top. Just know what you’re getting into with 2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK and you’ll have a fun time.
Director: Christopher Ray
Plot: 3 out of 5 stars
Gore: 4.5 out of 10 skulls
Zombie Mayhem: 0 out of 5 brains
Reviewed by Scott Shoyer